Trump State of the Union

Reality is weirder than parody

By Ian Morrison

New POTUS Donald Trump doesn’t like the White House, it is drafty and was occupied by black people, and so he and his family have decided to stay in New York to run the country on Twitter.   The State of the Union address will be a live Twitter event from Trump Tower at 3.00 AM.  THCB has received the secret first draft from an anonymous POTUS speechwriter.


Thank you.  We won.  We won big.  It was huge.  And we would have won popular vote except for all illegals voting.  Hillary poor loser. Sad.

State of the Union is not strong.  Weak.  We don’t win anymore, but we will make America Great Again!

Priorities:  Jobs, Repeal and Replace Obamacare, Immigration and National Security.  Already working on them all.  I am doing this for you.

Jobs.  Will bully CEOs to keep manufacturing in US & throw tax breaks at them. Expect air conditioners to get expensive.  Sorry Florida.

China: You are currency manipulators dumping product in US.  Expect tariffs and then big increases in prices at Wal-Mart.  Sorry America.

Infrastructure.  We will build beautiful new bridges using American steel and coal.  Plans announced soon.  Good Jobs for hard hats.  Bigly!

Repeal and Replace.  Obamacare is a disaster.  Dr. Tom Price a surgeon will cut it out.  Will replace immediately with something amazing.

Replace.  Get rid of the lines.  it will be beautiful. So much great competition from amazing plans.  Much better than Obamacare.  Watch!

Immigration.  Working on Muslim registry plans.  But need Wall first.  NAFTA renegotiation includes Mexican funding the wall.  No games.

NAFTA.  Don’t trust the Trudeau kid…….a socialist.  So maybe Canadian wall too if they don’t behave.

Love riffing with world leaders without briefings.  Even our enemies are amazing people.  We get along. Great opportunities for Trump brand.

No Legal Conflict of Interest for POTUS, but stepping away.  Kids will run Trump brand I will have no involvement except for my name on it.

My children will not formally help me run the country, just Ivanka and Jared, informally.  I will see them and we will talk.  Great minds.

No Salary.  I will not take a salary as President.  And I will continue to not pay any taxes.  That makes me smart.

Cabinet handpicked for a diverse America:  Goldman Sachs, billionaires and Fox News contributors.  Successful people not affirmative action.

National Security.  Big issues to deal with.  Obama told me some of it.  Wow, we have great assets but huge challenges, I had no idea.

ISIS.  We will bomb the shit out of ISIS with Russia’s help and take their oil.  Know more than the generals, on this.  Need strong leaders.

Torture.  A general told me it doesn’t work.  Wow, who knew?  Maybe we keep it up our sleeve and let ISIS think we will do it.

North Korea.  If he tweets at me or tries something with the nukes I will respond big time.  That I can assure you.

Growing the economy.  Taxes on the wealthy will be cut massively.  Economy will grow at 4%. Lots of manufacturing jobs as a result. #MAGA

Role of the Press.  The failing NYT and WAPO need to support Trump policy.  Need to change libel laws to curb press criticism. Unfair.

On Democrats who Lost.  I want to be President for All Americans, but you lost and I won so now you have to do what I say.

God Bless You and God Help the United States of America.